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My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
—  Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
—  Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
—  Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
—  Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
—  Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
—  Woody Allen
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
—  Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve it through not dying.
—  Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
—  Woody Allen
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
—  Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
—  Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
—  Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
—  Woody Allen
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
—  Woody Allen
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
—  Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
—  Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
—  Woody Allen
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
—  Woody Allen
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
—  Woody Allen
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
—  Woody Allen
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
—  Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
—  Woody Allen
I was nauseous and tingly all over ... I was either in love or I had smallpox.
—  Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
—  Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
—  Woody Allen

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