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Telegram to a friend who had just become a mother after a prolonged pregnancy: Good work, Mary. We all knew you had it in you.
—  Dorothy Parker
Well, there are always those who cannot distinguish between glitter and glamour ... the glamour of Isadora Duncan came from her great, torn, bewildered, foolhardy soul.
—  Dorothy Parker
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
—  Dorothy Parker
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of the tires.
—  Dorothy Parker
Said of a departing guest; in While Rome Burns, That woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say No in any of them.
—  Dorothy Parker
On why she missed a New Yorker, deadline: Somebody was using the pencil.
—  Dorothy Parker
I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen.
—  Dorothy Parker
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
—  Dorothy Parker
Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.
—  Dorothy Parker
Every year back spring comes, with nasty little birds, yapping their fool heads off.
—  Dorothy Parker
On lady novelists: As artists they're rot, but as providers they're oil wells; they gush. Norris said she never wrote a story unless it was fun to do. I understand Ferber whistles at her typewriter.
—  Dorothy Parker
Speech to American Horticultural Society; when challenged to use horticulture in a sentence: You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
—  Dorothy Parker
Of Orson Welles: It's like meeting God without dying.
—  Dorothy Parker
People Who Do things, exceed my endurance; God, for a man that solicits insurance!
—  Dorothy Parker
The affair between Margot Asquinth and Margot Asquinth will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all literature.
—  Dorothy Parker
That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
—  Dorothy Parker
Most good women are hidden treasures who are only safe because nobody looks for them.
—  Dorothy Parker
Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.
—  Dorothy Parker
Said after she had been seriously ill: The doctors were very brave about it.
—  Dorothy Parker
Some men break your heart in two, Some men fawn and flatter, Some men never look at you; And that cleans up the matter.
—  Dorothy Parker
On being told of the death of former President Calvin Coolidge: How could they tell?
—  Dorothy Parker
I only require three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
—  Dorothy Parker
Of Los Angeles: Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city.
—  Dorothy Parker
Said of a departing guest: That woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say No in any of them.
—  Dorothy Parker
On Isadora Duncan: There was never a place for her in the ranks of the terrible, slow army of the cautious. She ran ahead, where there were no paths.
—  Dorothy Parker
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is a thing that can never go wrong And I am Marie of Roumania.
—  Dorothy Parker
Said of her husband on the day their divorce became final: Oh, don't worry about Alan ... Alan will always land on somebody's feet.
—  Dorothy Parker
On writing humor: There must be a magnificent disregard of your reader, for if he cannot follow you, there is nothing you can do about it.
—  Dorothy Parker
On writing humor: There must be courage; there must be no awe. There must be criticism, for humor, to my mind, is encapsulated in criticism. There must be a disciplined eye and a wild mind.
—  Dorothy Parker
Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, may be prolonged to the point where it cases to excite pity and arouses only irritation.
—  Dorothy Parker
I'm never going to be famous. I don't do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.
—  Dorothy Parker
Four things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
—  Dorothy Parker
Summer makes me drowsy, Autumn makes me sing, Winter's pretty lousy, but I hate Spring.
—  Dorothy Parker
This living, this living, this living Was never a project of mine.
—  Dorothy Parker
There was nothing separate about her days, Like drops upon a window-pane, they ran together and trickled away.
—  Dorothy Parker
Suggested epitaph for her own tombstone: This is on me.
—  Dorothy Parker
Why is it no one ever sent me yet One perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get One perfect rose.
—  Dorothy Parker
At age seventy: If I had any decency, I'd be dead. Most of my friends are.
—  Dorothy Parker
Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
—  Dorothy Parker
You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
—  Dorothy Parker
Those who have mastered etiquette, who are entirely, impeccably right, would seem to arrive at a point of exquisite dullness.
—  Dorothy Parker
When told she was very outspoken: Outspoken by whom?
—  Dorothy Parker
Love is like quicksilver in the hand, Leave the fingers open and it stays, Clutch it, and it darts away.
—  Dorothy Parker
Byron and Shelley and Keats Were a trio of lyrical treats.
—  Dorothy Parker

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