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My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.
—  Rita Rudner
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
—  Rita Rudner
A good place to meet men is at the dry cleaners. These men have jobs and usually bathe.
—  Rita Rudner
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
—  Rita Rudner
My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.
—  Rita Rudner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
—  Rita Rudner
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
—  Rita Rudner

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