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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
—  Mark Twain
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
—  Mark Twain
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
—  Mark Twain
I have a higher and greater standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie but I won't.
—  Mark Twain
The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of this world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented.
—  Mark Twain
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
—  Mark Twain
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
—  Mark Twain
Few sinners are saved after the fiirst twenty minutes of a sermon.
—  Mark Twain
I have criticized absent people so often, and then discovered, to my humiliation, that I was talking with their relatives, that I have grown superstitious about that sort of thing and dropped it.
—  Mark Twain
It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
—  Mark Twain
When asked to comment on the music of Richard Wagner: Maybe it's not as bad as it sounds.
—  Mark Twain
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
—  Mark Twain
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness. Broad, wholesome, charitable views cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth.
—  Mark Twain
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
—  Mark Twain
It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race.
—  Mark Twain
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.
—  Mark Twain
A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.
—  Mark Twain
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
—  Mark Twain
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
—  Mark Twain
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
—  Mark Twain
When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat.
—  Mark Twain
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
—  Mark Twain
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
—  Mark Twain
More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking.
—  Mark Twain
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, know how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.
—  Mark Twain
It may be called the Master Passion, the hunger for self-approval.
—  Mark Twain
What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight, what counts is the size of the fight in the dog.
—  Mark Twain
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
—  Mark Twain
There is no such thing as the Queen's English. The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares!
—  Mark Twain
Some people get an eduction without going to college; the rest get it after they get out.
—  Mark Twain
I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way.
—  Mark Twain
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
—  Mark Twain
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
—  Mark Twain
I've come loaded with statistics, for I've noticed that a man can't prove anything without statistics.
—  Mark Twain
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
—  Mark Twain
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and blind can read.
—  Mark Twain
He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
—  Mark Twain
In studying the traits and dispositions of the so-called lower animals, and contrasting them with man's, I find the result humiliating to me.
—  Mark Twain
Thrusting my nose firmly between his teeth, I threw him heavily to the ground on top of me.
—  Mark Twain
You can't make a life over. Society wouldn't let you if you would.
—  Mark Twain
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
—  Mark Twain
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
—  Mark Twain
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
—  Mark Twain
If there was two birds sitting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first.
—  Mark Twain
Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.
—  Mark Twain
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
—  Mark Twain
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
—  Mark Twain
Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.
—  Mark Twain
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
—  Mark Twain
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion are adversaries, some are insane.
—  Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
—  Mark Twain
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
—  Mark Twain
The Bible has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
—  Mark Twain
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
—  Mark Twain
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
—  Mark Twain
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
—  Mark Twain
Religion consists of a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain.
—  Mark Twain
I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That's bad enough for me.
—  Mark Twain
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
—  Mark Twain
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
—  Mark Twain
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.
—  Mark Twain
Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times.
—  Mark Twain
I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to prayer.
—  Mark Twain
Don't part with your allusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
—  Mark Twain
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
—  Mark Twain
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
—  Mark Twain
Go and surprise the whole country by doing something right.
—  Mark Twain
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
—  Mark Twain
I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.
—  Mark Twain
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
—  Mark Twain
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
—  Mark Twain
I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which have never happened.
—  Mark Twain
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
—  Mark Twain
There is nothing more frustrating than a good example.
—  Mark Twain
Write without pay until somebody offers pay. If nobody offers within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for.
—  Mark Twain
I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.
—  Mark Twain
It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.
—  Mark Twain
The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer up somebody else.
—  Mark Twain
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
—  Mark Twain
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
—  Mark Twain
I'll risk forty dollars that he can outjump an frog in Calaveras county
—  Mark Twain
As I have said before, I never had any large respect for good spelling. That is my feeling yet. Before the spelling-book came with its arbitrary forms, men unconsciously revealed shades of their characters, and also added enlightening shades of expression to what they wrote by their spelling, and so it is possible that the spelling-book has been a doubtful benevolence to us.
—  Mark Twain
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I have done it a thousand times.
—  Mark Twain
Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all other days of the year put together. This proves, by the numbers left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
—  Mark Twain
The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.
—  Mark Twain
Eloquence is the essential thing in a speech, not information.
—  Mark Twain
He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming.
—  Mark Twain
Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
—  Mark Twain
The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
—  Mark Twain
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
—  Mark Twain
To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing.
—  Mark Twain
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.
—  Mark Twain
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
—  Mark Twain
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is the difference of opinion that makes horse races.
—  Mark Twain
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
—  Mark Twain
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
—  Mark Twain
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?
—  Mark Twain
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
—  Mark Twain
A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or newspaper the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual, and electrically prompt.
—  Mark Twain
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
—  Mark Twain
I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts.
—  Mark Twain
I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
—  Mark Twain
There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.
—  Mark Twain
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
—  Mark Twain
A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.
—  Mark Twain
My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got.
—  Mark Twain
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
—  Mark Twain
Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.
—  Mark Twain
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
—  Mark Twain
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
—  Mark Twain
If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.
—  Mark Twain
It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.
—  Mark Twain
His ignorance covered the whole earth like a blanket, and there was hardly a hole in it anywhere.
—  Mark Twain
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
—  Mark Twain
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
—  Mark Twain
I cannot keep from talking, even at the risk of being instructive.
—  Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained.
—  Mark Twain
There ain't no way to find out why a snorer can't hear himself more.
—  Mark Twain
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
—  Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
—  Mark Twain
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
—  Mark Twain
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
—  Mark Twain
I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.
—  Mark Twain

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