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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
—  Jack Handey
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
—  Jack Handey
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
—  Jack Handey

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