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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
—  Groucho Marx
I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.
—  Groucho Marx
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
—  Groucho Marx
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
—  Groucho Marx
I never forget a face but in your case, I'll make an exception.
—  Groucho Marx
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
—  Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
—  Groucho Marx
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
—  Groucho Marx
One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I don't know.
—  Groucho Marx
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
—  Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
—  Groucho Marx
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
—  Groucho Marx
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
—  Groucho Marx
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
—  Groucho Marx
Look at me, I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
—  Groucho Marx
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
—  Groucho Marx
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
—  Groucho Marx
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
—  Groucho Marx
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.
—  Groucho Marx
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
—  Groucho Marx
Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have? Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army? Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.
—  Groucho Marx
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
—  Groucho Marx

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