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A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
—  Fred Allen
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
—  Fred Allen
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
—  Fred Allen
Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.
—  Fred Allen
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
—  Fred Allen
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
—  Fred Allen
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
—  Fred Allen
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
—  Fred Allen
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
—  Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
—  Fred Allen
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
—  Fred Allen
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
—  Fred Allen
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
—  Fred Allen
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself there.
—  Fred Allen
After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.
—  Fred Allen
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
—  Fred Allen
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
—  Fred Allen

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